30th March 2011

 

 

Dear Sir/Madam.

 

Re: BT BroadBand line 01623 xxxxxx

 

I am writing to you to inform you of my displeasure, annoyance, irritation, and quite frankly loss of my very will to live due to the debacle of the above phone line and its Internet connection.

 

Over the last few weeks we have suffered at best a variable connection with the modern world and have attempted on now countless occasions to get you to remedy the fault.

 

Unfortunately due to the fact that I cant really send a missive of the entire sorry affair as they had only 5000 boxes of paper in stock at Staples, and I obviously can’t send emails because ‘me got no Internet’, I shall have to outline the story briefly.

 

We have a connection that drops the internet more times a day than a drunk drops his keys after a night drinking IrnBru and Scotch with meths chasers. Despite numerous phone calls by myself, and my manager, which probably now amount to an entire working day spent waiting to tell another call centre operative the whole story, plus a bit, we have not yet experienced the level of care expected of a large company as yours. And we still haven’t got a reliable internet connection.

 

If I might compare the experience to a very painful swelling in a very tender place, which as a medical professional I think I might, then this experience has been like having a pilonidal wart lanced (go look it up).

 

We are currently struggling with the existing line whilst a new line becomes active. Whereupon we will have to change all our settings for the weekend to the new line, because someone at BT thought we wanted a new line, new account, and new agreement so issued us new access. Apparently this will all be rectified on Monday morning with all the old account information being updated to the new line, whereupon we with then have to reconfigure it all again, but given the comedic process so far, rather than get this right, it is more likely that Lord Lucan will turn up on Monday, on the Marie Celeste with Glenn Miller playing mood music in the ships’ bar.

 

Perhaps you can give this letter to someone in customer service with opposable thumbs in order that they can draft a suitable reply. I’m also sending this letter to a few other people, just to see if they might care more than you do. I’ve got nothing to lose and nothing better to do, since I can’t amuse myself on the internet at the moment.

 

Oh, and you could send some money to a charity of my choice for the inconvenience we’ve suffered. Might I suggest Bridge2Aid, a dental charity. You can probably donate online, but you’ll probably need to do it from an internet café if your connection is BT.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

Simon Thackeray

 

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